American Express will do nicely thankyou...

I am neither a gay man nor a middle aged woman...


I am, however, off to see Tina Turner in concert tonight. And I am practically giddy with excitement. Private Dancer, River Deep Mountain High, We Don't Need Another Hero, What's Love Got To Do With It. I want them all. I was tempted to buy a massive wig, put an obscenely short dress on and walk around like I've done a massive poo at the concert as a tribute to her. But then realised that noone wants to see me in a short dress. Or doing a poo for that matter. Especially the latter.

Tina I heart you, you mad old bird.

Get off my cloud...

The view from Cloud 23

Does it ever feel like everyone in the world but you is in a bad mood?


That's exactly how I feel at the moment. Parents, friends, work colleagues. I feel like I'm constantly fighting against a tide of negativity, resentment and anger. And, to be honest, it's starting to really wear me down. I freely admit that I used to be a fairly negative person. I was bitter, often angry and not a very nice person to be around. So maybe it'd hypocritical of me now to wish people weren't like that. But I do. Because for the last six months or so I've had a completely changed outlook on life. I can honestly say that I'm truly thankful for every day. No matter how bad a day I have, I always find something good in it. I always find something to make me smile, no matter how small.

I'm trying my best to stay happy and upbeat at the moment but, sometimes, I just feel so frustrated. I feel like I've made so much progress and changed so much in such a short space of time. And I just want to be believed in.

Anyway, enough of that. Everything will be ok. And when I say that these days I believe it with every ounce of my being. I'm all about the positivity these days.


I'm currently finding a lot of joy in things. My favourite things this week are:

• Walkers Fish & Chip crisps. Nom
• The ache in my legs when I've just been to the gym
• Cocktails at Cloud 23 with some of my very best friends
• Days With My Father. Heartbreaking but absolutely lovely
• Planning the New York holiday of dreams
• My new GHD hair straighteners. Why didn't I take the plunge sooner? They are beyond incredible
• Laughing. But, then again, laughing is ALWAYS my favourite thing to do

What are your favourite things?

Happy Up Here

There is, quite literally, nothing in the world better than this picture.

Ah, Saturday!


I adore Saturdays. So far today I've been to the gym and beasted myself to the point where I looked like a red sweating hippo (yum), eaten smoked salmon and scrambled eggs for brunch and had a tremendous bath. I also ate bread fresh from the village bakery. Sometimes I feel like I'm in The Famous Five. "Oh no, we've run out of ginger beer", ejaculated Dick.

This week has been both the longest and slowest week of my life. Bad points include the fact that work is incredibly busy, I've been sleeping terribly and I haven't lost a single pound despite 4 visits to the gym, salads for lunch and general healthy eating. Marvellous points include the fact I smashed my target at work this week and am now on course for a lovely bonus in next month's pay packet, the fact NYC is so close I can almost taste it (how would it taste? Burgers? Pizza? Cynicism?) and the fact that Spring has finally sprung.

I love Spring with every inch of my contemptuous, sarcastic, bitter old heart. It's just so full of hope and promise. Little lambs bounding in the fields. Daffodils (my favourite flower, fact fans) peeping out of unexpected corners. Lighter mornings and evenings. People are just happier in Spring, it's a fact. The sun this week has been magnificent and I've been leaving work with a spring (no pun intended) in my step and a smile on my face. I've even been enjoying the sight of chavs with their tops off, basking in the sun outside the Wetherspoons near my work.


Sun even makes Warrington bearable, that's how powerful it is.

Start spreading the news....

New York, New York!


In 18 days I'm going to New York. I can't quite believe it to be honest and I won't go into the logistics of it. But going I am! 7 nights and 7 days in the Big Apple. I've been before.... a long time ago. As in, pre-9/11. And I went with my parents. This time I'm going with C and I fully intend it to be a VERY different experience to the one I had with my parents. I'm old enough to drink, for one thing.

So this, dear reader, is where you come in. If you've been to New York I'd love you to leave me a few recommendations in that there comments box down below. Restaurants? Bars? Sightseeing? Anything else? We've not planned much as yet and are very open to suggestions (easy tiger). I'm sure I could read a lot of tourist guides and make a list as long as my arm of things to do but I'd like some input from real people, not books.


Inform me. I demand it.

Success breeds.... resentment?

A not so miniature gherkin

I'm in a pickle...

A big pickle. Well, a medium sized pickle really. A miniature gherkin, if you will.

A word of warning: This post is going to sound like I'm blowing my own trumpet, but it is really not my intention. I mean, who can blow their own trumpet? Noone would ever leave the house. Ok, ok...

My problem is with my job. I really, really enjoy my job (most days, at least). I really, really like the people I work with. I really, really like my boss. All good, right? Well, back in December, four of us started at work at the same time, doing the same job. When we started we were told that we'd be due a monthly bonus after six months, possibly three. Problem is, I'm the only one that's been given the monthly bonus after three months. Now, on the one hand I'm ridiculously happy and, if I'm honest, really quite proud of myself. My boss gave me the news last week and was very complimentary about me and the way I work. But, on the other hand, I feel terrible for the three others that I started with. They constantly talk about how they're going to have a meeting with the boss and discuss why 'we're' not getting the bonus yet. But I am.

I don't know whether to keep quiet about it or tell them. I think my problem is that I just want to get along with everybody. I don't want them to start treating me any differently or resent me for being the 'teacher's pet' or whatever. If I tell them , I look like I'm bragging. If I don't tell them, they're going to keep trying to make me have a meeting with them and the boss.

Ugh. I know being given a bonus is an enviable problem but I just want to fit in! I feel like I'm back at school and, if I do well on the next Geography test, people are going to call me a swot and I'll get a chalk penis drawn on the back of my blazer (5 points if you get the reference).

In other news, I'm going to New York in less than three weeks! More on that later though as every time I even mention it I get just a little bit too excited and have to have a word with myself.

Sense and irresponsibility

I have some worrying news....


I seem to have become, erm, sensible. Consider the evidence:

• I carry an umbrella with me 90% of the time. This from the girl who used to laugh in the face of rain.
• I wear a coat most of the time when outdoors. This from the girl who used to laugh in the face of cold weather.
• I religiously drink 2 litres of water a day and get a minimum of 3 portions of fruit and veg a day. This from the girl who used to laugh in the face of health. IN YOUR FACE, HEALTH.
• I get in from work, have dinner, have a bath, put my pyjamas on and am usually in bed by 10pm. This from the girl who used to laugh in the face of sleep.

I cannot lie. That list frightens me. But then I remember a few things about myself and feel comforted, if somewhat slightly ashamed:

• I cannot wire a plug. In your face, electricity and DIY.
• I cannot change a car tyre. In your face, road worthiness.
• I cannot iron. In your face, non creased clothing.
• I still like to go out, get uproariously drunk and cause mischief, as I fully intend to do tonight. In your face, sobriety.

I feel better now.

The power of Twitter

We all hear stories about how rubbish customer service is these days. Call centres, India, being hung up on, blah blah blah.

Well today I experienced great customer service. About a week ago I tweeted about an Innocent smoothie I'd had that tasted like mackerel. Nice. I drank it, tweeted about it, threw the bottle inb the bin and thought nothing of it. Until today when I got an email from a lady at Innocent to say that they're sending me some vouchers to make up for the fish smoothie of doom. How good is that?!? Twitter is a powerful weapon people, a powerful weapon.

So now I've got to thinking about what else I could slag off on Twitter and get free stuff as a result of. Ferraris? Will I get a free car? Take That? Will Mark Owen come to my house and let me touch his bum? Burger King? Free bacon double cheeseburgers for life (nom)?


The possibilities are endless...

The Regime 2: This Time It's Personal

I heart Pimms. I want it in my face.

No I haven't fallen off the edge off the earth...


...or even into a self-depreciating pit of weight loss woe.

I am alive and well and currently very happy indeed. I restarted The Regime (tm) of doom yesterday and will be reporting back at weekly intervals once more. I've just been having too much fun to worry about how much I'm eating and drinking. But I need to find a happy medium and strike a balance between having fun and sticking to the ol' lifestyle changes I put in place back in January.

It's not even that I've put a huge amount of weight back on or anything. I just feel sluggish and bloated because of my culinary naughtiness. And because of booze. Booze = root of all evil. But it's so much fun! I feel like my body's shouting at me, begging me to treat it nicely and stop giving it too much salt/fat/sugar. So, as of yesterday, I am firmly back on the green tea and salad.

In other news, I am dying for it to be Summer. I'm normally a Winter lovin' gal but this year it's really starting to grate on me. I want sun and Pimms and festivals and barbecues. I'm bored of cold, wet mornings and finishing work when it's starting to get dark. I think I used to shy away from Summer because I hated my body. Baring anything more than the absolute minimum amount of pasty white flesh sent me into a panic of epic proportions. But not this year, no sirree. I shall be svelte and lithe and parade the streets of England wearing nothing more than hotpants and nipple tassels.


Now that's something to look forward to isn't it?


Don't say I never do anything for you...